1. |
A Lot More
06:22
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I like myself a lot more than I did when I loved you.
Looking at the rain make the river glitter
took my mind to what the rocks looked like
the last time that I walked in water with you.
I used to make out with the nicest person at the party.
I used to swallow anything and get in the car with anybody.
If I wasn’t drunk for my entire twenties,
then I would have been more honest about how I was really
just using beautiful people for juicy journal entries.
The people we were are gone,
but if the memories live on,
then where do they exist?
I like myself a lot
more than I did when
I loved you.
The art of breaking spells.
Melting, feral. Stark and fervent.
Vision-fangs. Pondered, forgotten.
Spiral dynamics, molten, manic, incipient axiom.
Little ventriloquist, experience junkie.
Sympathetic tourist, a grungy monk in disguise.
When your heart breaks, the only thing
you can do is rebuild it and let it change.
Billions of other souls
and I’ve already wasted
too many of the best nights
of some of my best years
hung up on all the shipwrecked memories
that feel just as much like scars
as they feel like keepsakes.
Sometimes you cross my mind
when I hear those songs,
and sometimes you don’t.
I’d rather be starving than spoiled.
I like myself
a lot more than I did
when I loved you.
Now I know that we always choose
how we feel and sometimes blame someone else
for the shit inside our heads.
There are a lot of things that I don’t do anymore,
and that’s definitely one of them.
I like myself a lot more
than I did when I loved you.
I’d be lying if I said
that I don’t still get sad.
Not over it yet,
but not under it anymore.
What’s the word for,
"laughing and crying at the same time"?
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2. |
Wet Gemstones
05:04
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I hate it when
people I love tell me that
I will forget them.
I have been
doing what I always did,
falling in love with
everyone I meet as
a defense mechanism against
the other people I love
loving other people.
I am so eager for
an ordinary miracle.
I like that you believe in me.
It blew my heart wide open.
Oh love, you
bathe me in cool water,
underwater.
I’ve been sleeping...
Love, remember when
I thought I was underwater?
They will reach you...
Hold me tighter...
The waterfall could never
reach me...
I don’t get lonely anymore
Or at least not like I used to.
When is this sky gonna burn all blue?
It still feels like I will never really change the world
and I've changed every time you've seen me.
I want to stop changing,
but I want you more than anything.
I just want to be a light
inside and out without
taking any more weight in.
I hallucinated just so I could
look at something different.
I’m so thirsty
that I could drown
and die happy.
We are like gemstones,
things you can see through,
a dream spell,
sunlight, southern lights,
warm veins in a silver haze.
It feels like I’ve known you
longer than I have.
I can see everything,
just not in this lighting.
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3. |
Blurry Glow
06:01
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4. |
Soulgasm
05:17
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Say, “I love you,” to a stranger
and mean it.
I woke up today in a new life in a new world.
Everyone I met seemed like someone I already knew.
I stopped waiting for the magic to come to me
and washed my face in the winter runoff.
The air was so warm between the wind
that I could feel it glowing
on my bones through my skin.
What am I really afraid of?
I used to be brave and unbreakable
because I was already broken.
And now it’s an oversensitivity
to anything unpleasant that makes me hesitant
to throw myself into risky mysteries.
This is really happening,
so give as much as you can to it.
Self-sustaining, not selfish.
Conversations on swing sets at sunset,
another life that is less emotional and inarticulate,
a series of animals’ dreams
and sand on a secret beach,
buried coffins in a cemetery of days,
returning into the ground out of which they came.
Say, “I love you,” to a stranger
and mean it.
I have trouble being interesting.
I want to have my brains fucked out of me,
obliterated blank body breath,
that glowing way that it would totally make sense.
Don’t be so serious, just be with me.
Who cares, who cares?
Soulgasm, social flutter-by.
Answers like inkblots,
screaming my soul’s throat raw.
The medicine of the sun,
the healing of this thin veil season.
Euphemisms for euphoria,
flower soup.
Take it all in
(I can make the sky spin).
Something worth the trouble to teach me
that feeling that I find when I'm five
drinks deep.
Squeeze my ankles,
hold my heart hostage
like one of those memories from a dead summer,
the eerie fantastic sky at night in July,
the way that this point in time glistens like wet sunshine.
Honey, it’s just the sun that’s gone,
not the sky.
Say, “I love you,” to a stranger
and mean it.
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5. |
Brain Food Interlude
03:55
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6. |
Make Me Say Whoa
04:46
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I’ve decided that I am going to buy
my own two bottles of wine
that no one else will know about,
and while I am drinking them,
I will think about grade school fevers and
wheelchair ramps in front of public libraries and
as many as ten or twenty of the sunrises that I’ve seen
and all the birds that were born this spring and
make-up ads in fashion magazines and
and the slurred gripping epiphany
that there has been laughter throughout every year
and the smell of campfire smoke fresh on my clothes
when I had another body
and how many times I’ve walked alone down windowless hallways
and all the things that I will never say with my typewriter
and all the things that I might never say at all
running barefoot through a dewy meadow.
Who do you appreciate?
I guess this whole time,
what I really wanted
was somebody to share my love with.
Make me say whoa, bleed me for art.
I guess I should be frightened,
but I’m not.
That southern accent. Those tattoos.
My own blue eyes looking back at me from inside you.
Time actually stands still like a see-through planet
(and our movement through the hours
is our way of mapping it out without needing to).
Fuck it, I want to know what people really think about me.
I’m open to feedback, I’m begging
to either be raised up or ripped to pieces.
I usually lie about how many times I look at a mirror in a day.
It feels more like a time lapse of a year than the real thing.
I want to be invited,
but I don’t want to be expected to go.
And I want you to like me,
but I need you to love yourself more.
I’ve been living in the internet.
Don’t post that drama,
use your phone to call your mama.
I can’t drive
but at least I can dance,
stupid and precious
like a flamingo’s nest.
Let go of its identity, be to me
like a kind of adhesive fusing
sinking ships to the surface of the sea,
refine the irrational. It is miraculous.
If only just enough,
it is enough.
I’m begging to either be
raised up or ripped to pieces,
but preferably
not a goddamn thing
from anywhere
In between.
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7. |
||||
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Would you rather
not be able to see
Or not be able to hear
Not be able to be
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8. |
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9. |
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How similar, the sound
of a distant highway at night
and the ocean in the morning.
Yet how different.
My empathy breaks a sweat.
The death of yesterday
Meant that forever never came.
My lips froze in a laughing formation
as the sky started to evaporate.
Under-the-skin thunder,
pink mountain, silver river.
Psalm scribbler in the cold sun.
This one time I got so high
that I thought it was snowing inside.
I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming,
but I know that you’re real.
A short girl drinking a tall boy,
"Have you thought about me every day too?"
Popping bottles, bottling problems,
make my eyes vomit.
When I was a stalwart rooting for the underdog
my multiple personalities were my entire entourage,
like watching fireworks in slow-motion
or a city burning at dawn.
Proximity or precision??
Got me feeling sympathetic
for someone I don’t know.
A shadow over the whole state.
A sunburn from the other side of yesterday.
To-do lists of people’s names and impossible things.
The dark purple night between the dead white stars,
untouched by the dumb drug of forgetting.
This lawless little bit
of nature that I think I am.
Being so young that we didn’t know what to do with it.
Ruining each other because no one taught us how to live.
This one time I got so high
that I thought we would never
not be together.
I’m dreaming I’m dreaming...
but I know that you’re real...
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10. |
Dopamine
05:02
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Do yourself a favor
and love something.
I’m not in love,
I’m just addicted to dopamine.
When I say I’m happy for you,
it means I’m jealous of you.
When I say I’m fine,
it means I’m fine.
When I say I love you,
I only know what I want it to mean.
Do yourself a favor
and love something.
Every day I swear to
shut myself off from other people,
and every morning I can't get out of bed
unless I change my mind.
I don’t need anybody.
I don’t need to sleep to dream.
I don’t need nobody,
no man,
no woman,
no thing.
Sometimes I don’t want to feel anything,
or I feel like feeling a certain feeling.
Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn’t.
What’s so hard about being happy
when it’s all I ever wanted?
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11. |
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12. |
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I am not artist, I am art.
Lovely smithereens, my real nostalgia for fake things.
Somewhere, anywhere between
pleasure and paralysis, chronic cosmicomedy.
All of this
loneliness is
gonna burn off like
morning fog in no time at all.
I tend to overreact and underachieve,
and I don’t know how many times
anything I’ve traded
has been traded before it came to me
(especially people's feelings).
It’s out of my hands
like my hands were daylight,
parallel realities, overdone dualities.
You just wanted something to write on,
well check my pulse.
Maybe it’s better that
most of my wishes don’t come true.
It’s an invocation, not a ballad,
and I lose my flavor
much more quickly than you’d think,
then ripen in the same sunlight
that leads to molding.
The pressure from the absence
affects the rest in the strain.
Fruits rot,
lovers change.
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13. |
Blurry Glow Reprise
01:41
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14. |
Hypnotist Collector
05:28
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Underwater...
I've been sleeping...
Remember
when I thought
I was underwater?
It's just these days...
they turn into months...
They turn into monsters
in one great cage...
I can see everything,
just not in this lighting...
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◦ ꋪꍏꀤꈤ ꀸꍏꋪꍟꌗ ◦ Portland, Oregon
mostly unfinished bedroom demos and lo-fi experiments.
◦
NEW THINGS
COMING 2024
◦
currently looking for someone to start a new project with.
◦
... more
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